Is success merely a mental construct? Or is it a quantifiable, measurable, tangible thing? Can you see success, can you feel it, smell it, taste it?
I have always believed that happiness and success are congruent. You can only be truly successful when and if you are happy, and your happiness can only ever be unadulterated if you are successful. But is that really the deal?
I find myself struggling professionally in ways that have been previously unknown to me, because since as far back as my memory allows me to retrospect, I recall success- academically and otherwise. I was always a good student in school and in college, with good grades, a good record and good references. Looking back, I know now that I was a successful young girl in whatever I chose to do. But then that's the thing- you only have 20/20 vision in retrospect.
I have spent the past two months struggling to feel like myself, to feel confident (because confidence was so inherent to me all my life, that this now feels very uncomfortable), and to be able to give as much love as I get. I know that I have grossly minimized my social interactions over this period because of the reasons I just mentioned. It hasn't been an easy phase, but then, is any phase in life an easy one? Doesn't each phase come with its own demons? And most importantly, doesn't each phase come with its own expiry date?
My big brother, in all his bearded wisdom, told me a few days ago that life simply 'keeps on keeping on'. Now while I think he ought to really trademark this line because of its brilliance, I am also trying my best to inculcate this into my brain and heart. Good things take time, and it's important to remember that if you find yourself in a (professional) rut, at least don't sit and furnish it. I have been doing my best to work on my book off late because that seems like the only thing that I can actually do to feel useful and productive.
Meanwhile, I wonder in my spare time- which I currently own in plentiful- what being successful must feel like. Maybe this wondering will help me visualize it and get there, because I really do believe that you always get what you truly want if your wishes stem from a pure and real place. And mine stem from the heart, so it really can't get any realer than that.